Parenting for Life

Contributed by Jeremy Koh (Bach. of Psy.) a Family Life Educator, Community Counsellor and a father of 3.

Getting Married

After one gets married, the natural questions to ask are:

Do we want to have kids?
When do we want to have them?
How many should we have? How can we afford?

I started out a little differently. I belonged to the minority that made up about 3 percent of the population, to marry an older spouse.

Planning for Baby

In a way, I ‘planned less’ and felt it was not wise to wait. So fresh out of university, we got married and after about a year or two, we had our first kid.

It was no kidding! My question then was: “What had I done?”

Well, it is not that bad, considering my oldest is 19 today. I can safely say that there are benefits to starting early! When they are older, we are still energetic enough to deal with the ‘perceived’ generation gap.

If I were to have children later, and the usual thinking of our careers as being more ‘settled’, I would not have been able to run around with them when they hit their teens. My early journey also helped me be more accommodating with the people I work and contented with the family I had rather than material possessions.

Coping with Baby

Babies and toddlers are not all joy and no work either. Before they crawl and walk, they are relatively easy, in that they go wherever we bring them. On the flipside we had to forego a bit more sleep during the nights. And this cycle was repeated three times over!

We developed a bit of arm muscles carrying them when they cried. Along the way, we also had to deal with those less pleasant experiences if they threw up and ‘pooed’ for whatever reason.

Then again when they giggled or responded to us, or when we put them to sleep, we realized no task was too filthy. It was the tranquility of their faces when they slept that put a smile on ours and we were more resolved to do well at work and bring up the little one properly.

Even if we had a stressful work week and fighting guilt, whenever we heard our baby cooing, we threw out all stress and guilt away and were filled with the joy of being a parent! Nothing mattered anymore, except being with that little ‘thing’ and we loved every minute of it.

Raising a Family

Since we have three children, the question of affordability always crossed our minds time and again. There were concerns but now that 19 years have passed, we can only say, live within or even below your means. As living proof of what we practice, we can even teach our children these values on financial discipline.

As first time parents, the toughest part was balancing family and work, especially when both my wife and I were working. Guilt usually set in; that we were not spending enough time with our children and we would end up over compensating with materials things or giving in to their demands.

The excitement of the first child also drove us to over provide as we wanted to give the best! In retrospect, it was not wise. We realized when we had our second and subsequently the third.

Starting Over Again

If I were to start all over again, I would:

  • still start a family early;
  • make do whatever financial abilities I have (living below or within my means);
  • enjoy and cherish whatever time I have with the family, instead of feeling guilty over what I had lost;
  • just spend more time with my spouse;
  • be careful not to over-spend on material possessions
  • be present with your children rather than give them presents

Kids are worth it and so much can be explained in words. You must experience them to understand! Join us for the ride!

Couple Time

During my children’s growing up years, I sometimes felt that my spouse’s attention on me had disappeared. Her entire energy had been channeled to the baby. And yes, I did feel neglected at times, but I was fortunate to have family members and later a trusted domestic helper to assist.

Tips to new parents on safe guarding your marriage.:

  • Guard and treasure your couple time during baby’s first year.
  • Cultivate a habit of a private time together. It has to be deliberate.
  • Make baby-sitting arrangements so you have time for each other as it is very important for the stability of the family.